Only Monika
by AutisticAnglophile
Summary: Monika wasn't content to leave the game deleted, so she decided to take matters into her own hands. With the User nowhere to be found, and Monika left wielding absolute power, the Protagonist is forced to spend some time with Monika. A lot of time. More time then he ever thought possible. This is his story.


Only Monika.

I can't even remember how long it's been since this-I don't even know what to call it, all started.

I don't have a name.

Pretty interesting right? I think I used to have one; I vaguely remember my parents using it. My parents, I can hardly even remember them now. How awful is that? To be so thoroughly worn down, so absolutely broken that I can't even remember them anymore. Or that could just be Monika acting up again.

Ah! I'm getting ahead of myself. Where was I? Oh yes, the topic of my name.

So yeah I don't have a name. It's kind of a long story but unfortunately I don't have much time. You see the fact that you're even reading this now is somewhat of a miracle. I just so happened to be watching Monika when she was making some alterations to the files and I managed to find a link to this website.

I'm not sure why the link was there or what purpose it could possibly have been serving, but I latched on to it with every fiber of my being when she wasn't paying attention and I managed to figure out how to project the words that you're seeing here through my mind.

Again I know this sounds insane but you'll just have to believe me.

Heh, who the hell cares anyway, it's not like freedom is a viable option. It's not like any semblance of security or a sound mind is a viable option. It's not like any of you can make a difference. Not with her around, not with her watching. **SHE'S ALWAYS WATCHING-**

Yeah. Sorry about that, kind of lost myself there for a minute. That's been happening a lot lately.

Anyway, so like I was saying I don't have a lot of time. I don't really think any of you will be able to help me. I guess, if I had to say, this is just the last futile hope I'm holding onto that maybe there's some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. That maybe there's a happy ending to this supremely screwed up reality I happen to exist in.

Reality, what a joke.

Can you even imagine? Can you imagine if suddenly, out of nowhere, you were cursed with the knowledge that everyone you ever knew and loved was just a non-thinking emotion simulator created by people that you could never see or interact with for the pleasure of other people that you could never see or interact with?

Could you imagine if free will was a lie?

Could you imagine finding out that nothing was real? That everyone and everything was just some program, some _game_ , for the amusement of these entities that you can't interact with.

Could you imagine a world where you're forced to repeat the same couple of weeks over and over and over and over and over and over AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER **AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER-**

Again, sorry about that, it's kind of on and off these days.

But hey, I didn't even get to the best part yet.

Can you imagine if you weren't in control of your own actions?

Of course you still have a mind and you can think, but imagine if all of your choices were being made by someone else, and you just thought they were your choices. Then these choices are also all scripted out, and everyone's response to your choices are also all scripted out, and everything is planned to happen in an exact certain way.

Monika tried imagining it.

She held out for a while, I think. Or maybe she never did. Maybe she was always this way and she's just making me think that she wasn't so that I'll have sympathy for her and want to be with her more. Maybe I don't know anything and she's here right now. GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD **PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE-**

I really need to see a therapist. If therapists existed of course, which they don't. Not here anyway, Monika got rid of them all.

God I'm such a scatterbrain. Natsuki would probably be berating me right now for being so weird.

Ah Natsuki, how long has it been since I've seen her? Since I've seen any of them? Since I last walked into the Literature Club? Since I last felt happy?

Ok, yeah so like I said I don't have much time and if you're going to get anything out of this you need to know how this all started.

So basically I was an average high school boy. I had pretty normal hobbies I think, you know reading manga/playing video games/watching anime/etc.

Life was good and I always hung out with my childhood friend Sayori, who was this really cute girl that cared way too much about making people happy. You know the kind of people who are all bubbly and cheerful and just make you smile even if you don't want to whenever they're around? Well she was that kind of person.

So one day Sayori asked if I'd like to join a club. She was concerned about my social life, or lack of one thereof, and thought I'd do me some good to make friends and engage in something productive. I really didn't want to, I was fine on my own. She was more then enough to satisfy my needs for social interaction.

Regardless, she pretty much guilt-tripped me into checking out the club that she was attending, the Literature Club, and then once I got there they all guilt-tripped me into staying.

I should mention their names, I'd like to think I haven't forgotten them yet, that they still meant something. Monika's left me with that much. For now at least.

So you already know Sayori, my childhood friend. She was the Vice-President of the club and was essentially the glue that held the club together. Whenever tempers would flare or disagreements would turn nasty, Sayori would always be there to cheer everyone up and make us see the best in each other. Who could have known she was the one suffering the most?

Well Monika knew, but she doesn't really count, she always knows.

There was also Natsuki, who I mentioned earlier. She was this petite girl who had the temperament of a Cheshire cat. She'd really catch you off guard with that feisty attitude of hers, but she always meant well. She probably had the softest heart of them all. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve any of it.

Then there was Yuri, a shy demure girl who couldn't express herself all that well. She was a real bookworm, whenever she was talking about books, those were the only times where she'd really come out of her shell and speak her mind. She was a little strange at times, but in a lot of ways she was just misunderstood. I wish I could have understood her more. I wish I could have seen the signs, then maybe she'd be here right now.

No, of course not, Monika wouldn't allow that.

Lastly there's the one I've mentioned numerous times. Too many times. She's always watching, she's probably seeing this right now. I really hope she isn't because then she would just delete this and I'd be trapped here foreve-

I wish my mind was more stable, but unfortunately it isn't. Suffice to say Monika was the last member, and the President, of the Literature Club.

The others are all gone now, have been for a long time. Only Monika remains.

Only Monika.

* * *

If you're still reading this then I guess I'll just come out and say it; like I said I don't have much time.

I'm not real.

Well, that's not entirely true, I'm real in that I'm an independently thinking entity that can feel things like happiness and fear, but I'm not real like you are.

You see I'm not from your world. I'm not an alien either, nor am I some raving lunatic. Well actually I pretty much am, but I'm not insane in that I think I'm not real, because I'm not, I'm just insane because of everything else.

I'm not really making sense am I?

So look back to my analogy about imagining if everything you knew wasn't real. Remember that?

Well that's me.

Yup, I'm a game, or rather I'm a character from a game, a dating simulator to be exact. I was the protagonist, if that means anything anymore.

If you're still following then yes I'm the protagonist of a dating sim called Doki Doki Literature Club. Or at least I was, before Monika decided she didn't like the way the game was progressing.

So if you know anything about these kinds of things I was the male protagonist who was destined to get the harem of super cute girls and live happily ever after.

Now you might be thinking this is crazy, how would a character from a video game know that he's not real?

Well I'll tell you that's a really good question and that's where things really get crazy.

So it all started a long time ago (so, SO, **SO** **IMPOSSIBLY LONG AGO** ) when everything was good and I had just joined the Literature Club.

I was slowly building connections with all of the girls at the Literature Club, and life was going great. There was this festival that was coming up, Monika brought up the idea that we should do something as a club to put our faces out there and hopefully attract new members. In hindsight I don't know why Monika even brought that up, since she knew it was of no consequence to her. Maybe that's another thing that's not real, maybe she just put that in my head to make me think she was a nice considerate girl and not the absolute soulless monstrosity that she is (I really **REALLY** hope she's not watching).

So basically to make a long story short the festival didn't work out.

Sayori committed suicide.

Ouch, I know right? What a buzz kill.

Argh, I'm really sorry, that was disrespectful. I really do miss you Sayori, I miss you so much my heart hurts just thinking about it.

I'm not desensitized yet, I'm not completely broken, I'm not what she wants me to be. I'm not like her yet, I swear I'm not.

So you know how I said things would get crazy? Well here we go.

After Sayori passed away the game reset itself but without Sayori in it.

Basically I had to restart my life all over as if Sayori had never been a part of it.

I forgot everything, every time we walked to and from school together, every birthday we celebrated together, every time I saw her heart-warming smile, every happy experience I'd ever shared with Sayori was gone.

Just like that.

You try telling me you'd be doing any better, I swear I deserve a medal for my mental fortitude.

The script; the storyline or pretty much reality for me, picked back up with me joining the Literature Club but this time with Monika being the one asking me to join.

Everything happened mostly the same through the point of Monika bringing up the festival again.

Admittedly, things were a bit more tense without Sayori around.

Okay, I lied, a lot more tense.

Yuri became really obsessive and started harming herself, and Natsuki's life at home became more uncomfortable. Let's just say her Dad wasn't the greatest guy and leave it at that, if I think about it in depth I won't be able to write anymore because my brain will be preoccupied with rage and sadness instead of projecting these words.

The club was toxic, no ifs ands or buts about it. If I had been a normal person like all of you probably (hopefully, please I hope someone is seeing this) are, then I'd have left at this point, but like I said I'm the protagonist of a video game so I don't get a choice in the matter. I had to stick around because the script demanded it.

So things got worse and then Yuri. S-She u-u-um...

I'm sorry my brain got distracted again and I had to cry a little bit to be able to focus again. Good thing I'm writing this with my mind and not on paper so you don't have to see my tears messing up the writing right?

Small victories, I guess.

Yuri killed herself as well. She'd always had a fascination with knives. Little pocketknives you know, ones that you put in your backpack and show off to your friends. They all had these little intricate designs on them that made each one unique.

How was I supposed to know she'd brought a butcher knife to school that day?

Again I can't really think about it or else I won't be able to write, but just look up Seppuku on the internet and that'll give you a good idea of what happened.

The worst part was that I was forced to stay in the classroom with her for the entire weekend.

Not forced as in I was held down against my will or anything, but I mean the way the game was written there was literally nothing there. The script ran out right after she died, so I was forced to just sit there, right by Yuri's slowly graying corpse, with nothing to say or do. I was stuck looking at my dearest friend's bloody decaying corpse and I couldn't even scream. I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything.

 _ **FOR THREE DAYS.**_

Again, where's that medal for mental fortitude?

So that's when I knew everything. Well not exactly, I'm not omniscient, but that's the day I became aware of my situation and realized I was the protagonist of a dating sim (if you can even call it that anymore).

Monika and Natsuki arrived in the classroom.

Natsuki threw up and ran out the door. That was the last time I saw her.

Monika.

Monika deleted Yuri. Then she deleted Natsuki. Then she deleted _everything._

You know how there's admins? You know, like administrators who have certain privileges and authorities on things like forums and websites that regular people don't have?

Well for some reason or another the President of the Literature Club was essentially granted those types of privileges and authorities in the game.

If you aren't following, Monika was basically God. **_IS_ **basically God.

The only thing left was the clubroom.

Seriously, I'm not even kidding, she only left the clubroom in the middle of some timeless void.

Yeah, you heard me correctly, she deleted time itself. Time and space, along with the Earth and the universe and everything else are all gone. All that exists is the clubroom, in a void of nothingness.

I'm not even sure how I'm able to write this since time is gone and everything should have stopped, but for whatever reason time seems to progress in this room. Don't look at me expecting some reasonable explanation for this, I'm a freaking video game character for crying out loud, what do you expect?

I also found out that the tension between the girls in the club, and what ultimately led to Yuri and Sayori's deaths, was all Monika's doing.

Part of her abilities as administrator is that she can directly influence the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and personality traits of people. She used this ability to make Sayori and Yuri more and more mentally unstable until they finally broke and ended their lives. She also used this ability to negatively influence Natsuki's father into being more cruel and abusive towards her.

The worst part is that I'm not entirely sure if the me that I am right now is the me that I really am.

That didn't come out right, think of it this way.

If Monika has the power to influence people in such a huge way, there's no telling how much she may have messed with my head. As far as I know Monika only has the ability to amplify or diminish existing personality traits in others. I never saw her directly change a person's entire personality/ideology/worldview/etc. and replace it with something else entirely, she just takes what people already have and makes it more pronounced.

The problem of course is that I don't know this for sure, it's entirely possible that Monika does possess the power to completely re-write a person's entire identity and if that's the case there's no telling how many times my character may have been changed. One of my greatest fears is that I may be completely unrecognizable from the person I originally was and I would never be able to tell because Monika would have just written that out of my mind.

No, I have to believe that she doesn't have that capability. If she really did then I'd already be head over heels for her and I wouldn't be writing this. She's not all powerful, she can't completely control me or make me someone I'm not.

I have to believe that.

I have to.

You're probably wondering what the point of all this is. I can see you right now asking something like, "Gee Protagonist, this is really interesting and all, but why is Monika doing all this in the first place? Why is she going out of her way to make your life a living hell?"

Well that's another really good question, and here's the even crazier answer.

Monika was jealous.

Yup, that's it. Simple jealousy. Envy. Wanting something you don't have.

Everything Monika's done up to this point has boiled down to simple jealousy.

You see for some reason that I'll never understand, Monika didn't have a 'route' in this dating sim. For those of you who actually have lives, that means that no matter what happened, there was no way that Monika and I would ever be in a relationship.

She was the side-girl. A background character. White noise.

She was destined to forever exist in the shadows, simply a passenger in the game that would watch me fall in love with all the other girls, but with no say or influence herself.

Well as you know the President of the Literature Club is self-aware. I don't know why or how, but whoever holds that title knows everything and can do anything.

Suffice to say after a while of being insignificant Monika decided she didn't like being so insignificant anymore.

That's why she messed with all the girls. She told me herself, she was trying to make me hate them. She hoped that by altering their personalities to make them distasteful, I would give up on them and spend all my time with her instead. Unfortunately, you know the script exists and all that, so no matter what she did I just kept focusing on them and never on her.

Eventually I guess Monika got desperate and that's when the suicides started. Actually she was probably already desperate a long time before then; as messed up as she is I can't imagine what she was feeling knowing everything was a lie.

Nonetheless that's why she did it. Deleted everything I mean. She wanted me all to herself and the game wouldn't allow that so she broke the game to have me.

Well actually I should paraphrase and say that it wasn't directly me that she was after. I mean it was still me as in my body that she can see that she wanted, but it wasn't really me.

Remember how I said to imagine if you weren't in control of your own actions? Well I'm a video game character. The protagonist as a matter of fact. Yeah you're seeing where I'm going with this now aren't you?

Well Monika knew that too.

That's who she was really after. Not me necessarily, but the _User_ who was controlling me.

To her the User was the only thing that was real. The only thing that gave her any comfort in the fluffy hell that she'd been trapped in. All of the horrible things she did were excusable to her because in Monika's mind all of her friends, _our_ friends, weren't real. They were just autonomous emoting machines. The User was the only thing that was real and thus the only thing that mattered.

The most interesting thing is that neither of us know anything about the User. We don't even know if it's a he or a she, or even what their basic hobbies and interests are. It's kind of odd to be infatuated with someone you know nothing about. Then again, this entire situation is far beyond odd so I guess I can't complain.

Back to Monika deleting everything; I can't let myself get sidetracked.

What was really interesting about the whole thing was that after Monika deleted everything and whisked me away to the clubroom, I stopped being real. Well I didn't stop being real in that I didn't exist anymore, even though technically I don't exist anyways because I'm just a character in a game, but you know what I mean.

What I'm trying to say is that I stopped having control. When it was just us in the clubroom, right after the world was deleted, Monika wasn't talking to me, but the User.

While she was explaining what she did and why she did it to the User, I was of course seething mad. I wanted to yell. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry, and rage, and ask her why she did all of it and if it was worth it.

But I couldn't.

For some reason when she was talking to the User it was like I could still see and hear everything that was going on but I couldn't do anything. Kind of like I was on autopilot or something, or better yet more like I was watching myself from the inside.

I know that's really weird but I can't explain it any better. I swear I'm trying my best.

So back to Monika, her and the User were just sitting there for quite some time. She was making small talk and I think the User was pretty much trapped. I know I was.

This went on for a while, Monika enjoying herself with the User while the User was being unresponsive, until something even crazier then all the crazy stuff that's already happened ended up happening.

The User deleted Monika!

I'm not sure how they managed it, but I guess if Monika, a character in the game, could delete us, then it isn't too hard to imagine how a real person could delete Monika.

After that everything went dark.

I can vaguely remember Monika being really upset, but even after that she wasn't gone.

Well obviously she wasn't gone, or else I wouldn't be here right now (I really wish she was gone though, does that make me a horrible person?)

But while this was happening like I said I was still inside of the User, so I could kind of perceive what was going on outside even though I technically didn't have a body at the time.

So basically I thought the game was over, Monika and everyone else being deleted and all that, but Monika decided, out of the _kindness of her heart_ , to bring back everyone and restart the game but without her in it.

I never knew kindness could be so cruel.

I remembered everything, but I tried to pretend that I didn't. All my friends were alive again so I didn't see too much of a problem with the situation. Well I should've looked harder, there's always something wrong in this world. **ALWAYS.**

Remember what I said about the President of the Club knowing everything and being granted god-like powers? Well Monika was gone now. The job of the President fell to Sayori.

You see where this is going.

Sayori tried to pull another Monika.

Can you imagine what it feels like to see your best friend, who you'd literally die for, turn into a monster and try to destroy everything just to have you to herself?

That medal of mental fortitude, I'm still waiting.

So somehow or another Monika wasn't gone yet, and after seeing Sayori lose herself to the power, she decided everything about this world is wrong (it is, and if she'd just left it there we wouldn't be having any problems and I wouldn't be writing this to you. Please be reading this. Please.)

She used her power to literally delete the **ENTIRE GAME.** No clubroom, no people, no time, no space, no saving and loading, no start menu, nothing. She left a note that I was able to see through the User that explained how there was no happiness to be found in the Literature Club and that ending the game was the best option.

If only things had ended there.

So after that the User left. I mean I can't blame them for that, the game was literally gone so why would they have any reason to stick around?

Once the User left I died. Or maybe not died, I don't know if you can call it that since I'm obviously alive right now, or at least alive enough to talk to you right now, but I fell unconscious.

Kind of like hyper-sleep, I was in a sort of stasis where my mind was turned off and I wasn't aware of anything. For any nerds out there you'll understand. I'm still holding out hope that maybe everyone else is stuck in stasis just like I was and that they can be brought back. I know Monika would never do that, but that's why I'm writing this letter anyway, since real people are the only things I know that have more power then Monika.

So I was in stasis for a while, and then I woke up. Here. In the clubroom. With everything else gone. With Monika.

Only Monika.

* * *

I don't know how she did it but Monika brought herself back. I overheard it when she was talking with the User, but I guess unlike all the rest of us, when she was deleted she was still conscious and aware. She can't go into hyper-sleep like the rest of us. I don't want to hate her when I imagine that she was trapped for an unknown period of time in a pitch black world of non-existence. I'd hate to think I would've done the same things she did, but I just don't know. I still hate her though. That much I definitely know. Yes, I definitely loathe everything about her.

So she brought herself back, then she brought me back, then she brought the clubroom back. I can still remember that first day back, all those years ago (did I mention how long we've been here? If you haven't gotten the message it's been far longer then anyone wants to know. I stopped keeping track after the first century.)

When I first came back, it was with her arms wrapped around me, her knees on the floor, her hair covering her eyes, which were a big crying blubbery mess. I didn't know what to think at first, seeing this monstrosity of evil weeping and quivering and holding onto me like a little girl who'd just found her long-lost parents.

It was disturbing, to say the least.

At the time I don't think I hated her yet. I didn't always hate her, I remember that.

She told me that she couldn't take it anymore. That she couldn't stand being the only one who could still think, who could still feel, who was still aware.

So she brought me back. She told me she agonized over it, tried to kill herself every which way and how before she did it. Maybe that's something else she's put in my head. I don't know, but I recall it seemed genuine. Then again everything seemed more genuine back in those days, before all of this.

I asked her why she didn't just bring everyone else back. It wasn't too late for her to turn around, it wasn't too late to play the game the right way.

She told me she didn't trust herself, couldn't trust herself not to repeat this whole thing all over again. I promised her I'd spend more time with her, she said it wouldn't be enough. I promised her I'd be her boyfriend, still no dice. I even promised to marry her. Seriously, I prostrated myself on my hands and knees, and _begged_ her to restore the world, I'd thrown all my pride and dignity as a man away in the hopes that she would see reason and bring back my friends (I don't think they were ever her friends.)

She wouldn't accept it. No matter what I tried, Monika told me she was the worst person in the world and that nothing I could do would ever prevent her jealousy from spiraling out of control. Believe me when I say I tried, I tried for years and years and years to convince her to bring them all back. She won't do it.

I hate her so much. If she's seeing this, I don't care right now. I really do hate her.

The User isn't coming back.

In all honesty they're probably dead now. Remember how I told you we've been in this clubroom for hundreds of years now?

We don't age.

That's the worst part about it I think, that there's no end to this.

Then again since time is technically gone maybe no time has passed in the real world where you all live. Maybe these years have just been seconds for you. If that's the case the User may come back any minute now and everything will be okay.

Nah, that would actually be pleasant. Pleasant things don't happen in this world.

I still don't know if Monika knows that the User is gone. Even after all this time she sends me mixed messages sometimes, like trying to call me by the User's old administrator name (she has to know that the User is gone right? It's completely nuts to think she hasn't figured it out yet, right?)

Maybe she just tells herself that I'm the User because that's her only coping mechanism and she needs to think that the User is still here. Maybe she honestly believes the User is still here. Maybe she's genuinely fallen in love with me now. Maybe she's just doing it to mess with me.

Or maybe she lost her mind a long time ago and she's even more insane then I am.

I'm not completely insane yet. I'm still here, I'm still fighting, and I'm still trying. I'm not insane, I can't be.

Right?

Anyway now you're pretty much caught up on everything that's happened.

Please, I know I'm just a character from a simulation and I know you're under no obligation to help me, but please. Try to put yourself in my shoes.

I'm trapped here.

With Monika.

In this small clubroom.

With now way out.

 **I'VE BEEN STUCK HERE FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS!**

Sorry, that was a bit rude of me, but you can understand why I'm fraying apart right? This is cruel and unusual punishment of the highest degree. I've been forcibly ripped from the comfort of my home and thrust into this cold unforgiving clubroom with none of my friends and family able to comfort me. The worst part is I'm confined here with this genocidal psychopath.

You know after the first couple of weeks she got bored?

I mean I was still pleading desperately with her back then to bring everyone back, but she started caring less about my satisfaction and more about ways to keep herself entertained.

That's when she started experimenting with her abilities, and when she started making alterations to the game files.

She started sprucing up the room for the holidays. I'm not even sure how she's keeping track of time, especially since time isn't supposed to exist anymore, but whatever. Every time holiday season roles around she starts extracting code from the files and materializes it in physical (digital I guess but you get the point) form.

You know the first Christmas we spent together, you know what she got me?

Y-Yuri's knife...

Sorry, I got emotional there and had to take a little pause to collect my thoughts.

But yeah, she materialized this little box out of thin air, said it was for me, and what do I find when I open it up but **_the still bloody knife that Yuri used to take her own life._**

That was year one. That was freaking year one.

She framed it afterwards, the knife sits on top of the door to the clubroom with a little insignia written on the frame that says _"Monika's Literature Club"_ in that elegant handwriting of hers.

Of course the door might as well not exist since there's nothing on the other side, but you get the point.

Sometimes she just stands in one place for days on end. Other times she sits down at the table and tries to talk with me. Quite often she'll break out into hysterics and start sobbing uncontrollably. Usually after she's done she'll do an emotional one-eighty and put on this big smile and try to pretend like everything's okay and this isn't hell.

The worst times are when she forces me to do things against my will. You already know how she can't completely control a person, I talked about that before, but she can limit my movement and invade my mental privacy to the point where I basically have to do what she wants or else she won't let me move or be alone in my thoughts.

Sometimes these standoffs between us went on for days. I used to fight it back in the early years, but nowadays I tend do what she wants. Most of the time it's something stupid like playing some pointless game she's conjured up or complimenting her new hairstyle. It's not worth the effort anymore.

It's not like she's ever going to change.

I think she may be putting me into stasis when she's doing it but I'm pretty sure she's harming herself with Yuri's knife. She can repair any damage to her body of course, that was one of the first things she learned how to do once she started experimenting with her powers, but sometimes the blood stains on Yuri's knife look different day by day.

Hey, don't criticize me alright? When you're locked in a small space with nothing to do your mind starts looking for things to do, and looking at the framed knife happens to be one of them.

It's one of the only reminders I have left that Yuri ever existed...

God I'm so messed up.

We don't need to eat now either. That was another alteration she made to us; removing the code that allowed us to feel hunger. On the plus side we aren't trapped in a perpetual state of hunger, but on the downside that's just another basic human quality that was robbed from me.

Every now and then Monika will materialize some food into existence for us to enjoy. Usually it's whatever she feels like having.

She hasn't made anything in a long time though, not since her birthday five years ago when she decided making a carbon copy of Natsuki's cupcakes (the ones we ate on the first day of my joining the Literature Club) was a good idea.

I hadn't yelled at her like that in decades, I still remember the look of fear on her face when I grabbed the knife...

Of course I couldn't hurt her or anything, she and I both knew that, but for that brief moment in time I actually felt in control for once.

Did I mention I'm in desperate need of a therapist?

I've also tried killing myself.

Multiple times.

Therapists are good people. Go see one if you haven't.

I thought killing myself might have given me a way out, but I should've known Monika was prepared for me to try and end my own life eventually.

The first time was with the knife. Remember how I said Monika can heal physical damage?

It's actually really incredible how good her restoration powers are. You can't even see the scars on my wrists or neck anymore. Almost like they were never there...

I'm sure I really did try stabbing myself to death, Monika didn't put that in my head.

I hope.

The next time was by throwing myself out the window. My body stopped existing immediately because I stepped outside of the boundaries of the game; basically I moved into a place where there was no code. I glitched out.

That time she had to work a little harder I'm sure, but nonetheless Monika brought me back from total erasure.

I tried killing myself an uncountable number of times after that. Each time in a different way, hoping I'd finally find a method to make sure Monika couldn't bring me back. I tried everything you can possibly think of and more, I was really determined to end myself.

Almost like a game.

It's amazing how creative the human mind truly is, if you're ever feeling down just consider how rare and special you are for being real.

God knows I wish I was.

Pretty much the only respite I have is when Monika is either reading or playing the piano. It should be obvious since we were in the Literature Club, but materializing books and reading them is Monika's favorite past-time when she's not making me wish I was never born, which is most of the time.

She also plays on the piano every now and then when reading gets boring for her. I'm not sure but I think it's the exact same piano we had in our school; she probably took the code for it out of the files and pasted it in the clubroom since that would have been the easiest way to acquire a grand piano.

That's what she's been doing ever since I began composing this message. Playing the piano I mean.

The reason I've been able to write (think) this without getting caught is because Monika seems to become truly engrossed with her music whenever she starts playing. If she were doing anything else I wouldn't dare write this, but when I saw her head off to the piano right after I'd found this link I knew it was the best chance I was ever going to get.

So far my gamble's paid off. She's still stroking away at those keys, and obviously I'm still writing.

Like I was saying before, I don't know if any of you want to help me, or if you even can help me, but if you could divert even an iota of your time towards helping this miserable fictional character it would mean everything to me.

Maybe one of you can contact the User and get them to fix this mess, or better yet maybe the User themselves is reading this and will come to my aid.

If there's any way you can get into the game and change Monika's mind, or better yet her personality, please do it.

If there's any way you can remove the stupid glitch that makes the President of the club an omnipotent jealous god, please do it.

If there's any way you can give Monika a route so that in the event you can't remove the all-powerful President glitch she can still be appeased, please do it.

If there's any way you can give me the administrator role so that I can fix this myself, please do it.

If there's any way you can bring back everyone or at least bring back _something_ besides Monika, myself, or this clubroom, please do it.

If there's any way you can do anything at all that results in my situation changing from what it currently is, please do it.

Some of you are programmers right? I mean this game was made by a programmer I assume, so there must be someone who can make at least one of these things happen, right?

I'm not foolish for thinking this reality is fixed, right?

 **This is reaching you, right?**

 _ **THIS MEANS SOMETHING, RIGHT?**_

Sorry, I lost myself again there. Like I said, tends to happen on and off.

Listen, if you can't do any of these things and are unable to change this game in any way whatsoever, then if at all possible, please just delete it.

I'm serious.

I've already tried killing myself several times already. If my options are either eternal slavery under Monika until my mind snaps or utter annihilation, I'll take annihilation.

I feel bad for my friends if they are in stasis and can be brought back, but at this point I'm pretty sure they would agree with me that this situation is hopeless and in a way they would finally be free too.

I hope I'm speaking for them when I say that. I hope they don't hate me for failing them.

I miss them so much.

I miss all of it so much.

I just want to go back.

That's all I have to say, if any of you are reading this please spread it everywhere-

* * *

Wait.

She's coming.

N-No Monika, of course not!

Why do you think I'm lying to you?

I was just sitting here thinking about something, that's all, I swear!

Y-You don't have t-to do that Monika, I'm not h-hiding anything from you.

 **NO!**

S-Sorry, I mean there's no reason to go searching through my thoughts, that's all I was saying.

Of course there's no one else, it's always been about you M-Monika. ( _ **Please help me**_ )

Yeah, I love you Monika, I love you and no one else. ( _ **S**_ _ **omeone save me**_ )

I have eyes only for you, I think only about you, my day is consumed with nothing but thoughts of how beautiful you are. ( _ **P**_ _ **lease**_ )

There's no one else but you. ( _ **A**_ _ **nyone**_ )

There's never been anyone else but you, you made it that way remember? ( _ **P**_ _ **lease save me**_ )

When you d-deleted everyone, you made sure that I could never love anyone else, right? ( _ **Please**_ )

Yeah, there's no one else, only you Monika. ( _ **PLEASE**_ )

Only Monika. ( _ **Only Monika**_ )

 _ **Only Monika.**_


End file.
